I had never thought that giving a chance would make my life heavenly. I believed each word that the man, I called my husband said. I trusted him, I cared for him, I loved him. My love was not selfish, my care for him wasn’t ominous, my Self wasn’t important then our relationship. So, I agreed to give our marriage another chance.
His behavior changed, his ways changed, his moods became more calm and caring. His hours at work were reduced and he started coming home early. His interest in me was going steady. He started showering love on me. He had had a complete 360° change. He was caring, concerned and loving. His warmth was too good to be true. And I started loving my life again.
And then, we went to a dinner hosted by some business partner of his. He was very handsomely dressed and I wore my turquoise gown, with huge stones for earrings. My gowns were usually the less revealing ones wherever we went. He said, I should have a change in my wardrobe and include some real sexy dresses. I was surprised by his comment as he rarely was concerned about my dresses and looks.
He got heavily drunk like before and my worst nightmare turned true. He ended up in a brawl with another rough looking man in the party and we had to leave early. The driver had a tough time, getting him into the house. He hurled abusive words at him. After we were the only ones left, I tried to get him to change but it was of no use. He wouldn’t let me even touch him. When he seemed to be in sleep, I loosened his shoelace and wanted to remove his shoe. I didn’t want him to have a sore foot the next day.
He got up with a jerk, and pulled my hair as tightly as though his life would end if he even loosened a bit. My eyes teared up in pain.
Justin! Stop! You are hurting me! I shouted.
What do you want from me now? You wanted to leave me and go, and now you pretend that you care about me? He barked aloud.
You wanted to see me plead and beg you to stay! I couldn’t have let you go, you selfish and devilish woman. I can’t have the divorce dirt thrown at me by a cheap and desperate woman like you! he continued.
His words cut through my heart. They just cut through as though a sword had been thrust through my body, my muscles and heart. It ripped to pieces.
He pushed me away from his feet and I fell at the threshold of the room. His actions and his words showed me what I meant for him. His denial of divorce wasn’t for my love but for his esteem and position. And upon that, he never had understood me, my pain and my needs. And he fell asleep as though it just hadn’t happened.
I cried through the night, as I lay on the couch. The alarm didn’t need to ring, the sun didn’t need to send its rays pouring in to the house or the room. And then he woke. He called out, Samantha! Where are you?
I didn’t want to see or talk to him. I was badly hurt, not physically – that pain subsides as quickly as it is received compared to the pain to the soul, to the heart.
Suddenly his voice turned rage-ful and I slowly walked to the room.
What is it Justin? I asked.
Oh Samantha! My love! I was so scared! I had a terrible dream. he spoke.
What dream Justin? I asked uncaring.
I dreamt that I had hurt you badly and you left me! I couldn’t have been such a fool to hurt my life! he said, heaving a sigh.
What you did was no dream, Justin! I reminded him.
What do you mean Sam? he asked surprisingly.
Last night was a real nightmare and you haven’t hurt the person whom you claim as your life. You have killed her, you have murdered her. You have shred me and my heart to pieces, Justin, I managed to say, with a shaky voice and tears in eyes.
He got up and tried to hold my hand, I snatched myself away from him. His touch was the last thing I wanted.
I rushed out. I was drunk Sam! You can’t hold me responsible for what I said while I was high on drinks. You know how bad my condition was. he retorted.
Don’t Justin! I cried.
Sam, hear me out please! I was awfully drunk, you need to consider that. I don’t even remember what I said or did! he pleaded.
No worries Justin, I will tell you what I was told by you! I shouted at his face.
You pulled my hair, as tightly as you can, with all your might, and then to my face which was in terrible pain, you said that I was a desperate woman, and devilish and selfish one.
He nodded his head in denial.
And you told that you didn’t want to divorce me because of the dirt it would bring on you and your reputation. Is that so? I asked him.
No, Sam! I couldn’t have said this! It was my alcoholic self that had lost its mind, he kept telling.
I heaved a sigh, took a deep breath, and I said, Justin, it is useless. This marriage of ours will not work. Let me go. You and I are not being an asset to each other. We are becoming a pain in the arse. Let us separate peacefully. I will sign the divorce papers and let us end this as quietly as possible. I don’t want anything from you. I will just leave with my simple belongings and my little savings will help me.
My anger had made me as hard and heartless, that I felt no pain when I told him, I do not want to live with you. I do not want anything from you. I wish to leave now and on good terms, Justin.
His face was soft, as though he was really hurt. A few moments of silence passed by and then I witnessed a different side of him. A side I never saw and at no cost would want to see ever. He started grinning villainously.
You woman, you are not worth me or a place under this roof or in my life. Leave aside, the place in my heart. I wasn’t willing to let you play victim. But, this is your own doing, I will not give you a cent from my side. Let us get done with the official work and I will forget you like a dream! he gushed out his venom.
I felt nothing. Just nothing. Not a tear to shed, not a feeling to consider. Not a thing to think upon.
Justin, I did love you as much as I could have loved a person in my life. Things came and went, ups and downs were like waves of the ocean of life. Yet, there were feelings that I had for you. Today, I feel, like a heavy burden has been lifted off me. Trust me, I will take just my clothes and things that belong to me. Each object that belongs to you and your money, isn’t meant for me. And one more thing Justin, you may forget me as a dream, but I will remember you. I will remember you as a dreadful nightmare. Today, there is just one single feeling that I have for you and that is hatred. I loved you purely and completely and from now, I will hate you to the same extent! Try not to cross my way or life ever again!
With these words, I pulled out my bag and filled my dresses, the dresses I had bought before marriage and had still kept with me, my simple pearl earrings which my mother gifted me and my simple sandal which I used to wear to office. And I stepped out of the house. It was just a house, it never was the home I wanted.
So, today I had walked away from the place which was a prison to me. I walked away from the person who was pulling me down. I walked away from the man I had loved and for whom, now I had no feelings but hatred and disgust. I knew it was a hard path I had chosen, but no person, no man is worth your self-respect, your self value. No person is to be given the right to break you so badly that you cannot repair yourself. No person is so important to kill your own self in your own eyes, just to have that person have a glance of care and love at you. No person was responsible if I was sad, it was my choice.
And today, my choice was made, and I felt like a rebirth. It felt as though the sky lay open for me to take my flight. It called me to open my wings and rise above the ground and let go of the weights and leap higher.
I had made my choice, when will you?