Waiting ….

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Sometimes, I wake up from a sleep, and wish I didn’t have to face the stark realities of life. Sometimes I wish, there was an easy way to be pulled down into this quagmire. What is it that pulls me down yet keeps me afloat? What is it that makes my breath looks like a hard task to be accomplished?

Sometimes, I feel what did he gain by leaving me in this distress. Sometimes I feel how foolish was I, to not know his worth while we were “We”. Sometimes I wish, those times could come back, when I looked up in his eyes and saw just love for me. But then why did love go away? Why had I, his beloved, feel so lost in this world? Why did the seed of love not get a chance to survive?

Why did he leave me back? Why did he push me away from him when we were sitting together? Why did he save me and take upon him, my destined death? Why? If only someone would answer me, why?

The screeching car tyres, on that raining night, were the last sound I had heard for that day, before the loud thud. There was shattering of glasses and banging of metal and cracking of bones. Then there was all silence and darkness. Such deathly silence and ominous darkness, it could send shivers down the evilest creature.

When I opened my eyes, I saw all ghostly white objects around me. They were doing nothing to me. But beside me, was another bed and there were many people around it. They were dressed in greens and whites. Their faces were covered by white masks. Their hands had gloves which were white at the wrists but all red at the fingers and palms. The machines were glowing and blinking. They were making some long beeping sounds. Rising and falling like tones of a musical piece. I saw a glimpse of some black jacket on the floor, a black jeans, thrown beside the place where I lay.

The haziness in my mind cleared at that very moment and I remembered about the car, the metal crashing and the breaking bones. The scream that had left my throat, and the darkness that had enveloped me. We had been hit by the truck, when we took the turn around the corner of the road. Things just started making sense. I realized I was in an hospital. If so, then that black jacket and jeans was his. My heart stopped, my mind went numb.

And just then, the beeping turned into a long continuous tone. The activities at that side stopped. They started moving away. As each one stepped away,I tried to move myself, but not a muscle nor a bone could I move. I felt like….. well, I felt nothing. I could see my hands and feet, my arms and thighs. I looked at my fingers, I tried to move them. Not a single movement they made. I had no control on any part of my body, my self. Except for my heart and mind, all had stopped.

When they all moved away, I dreaded to see who it was, but I had to. I looked at the bed which was just a few moments ago, like a candy surrounded by pests. And there lay, in all blood, the man I always loved. His body was bathed in his own blood, his eyes closed as though in deep sleep. His mouth having that curve which formed when he closed his mouth. His hands which were always so soft and gentle, his fingers, long and artistic, his chest, all bare and oozing out the red liquid from within. I saw his face and wept. No voice, no word would come out.

But my eyes were the truest companions. They shed tears even before I told them, they cried with pain and sorrow. They let me know that all was lost and I was left alone. I felt nothing on my body, no pain, no bruises, no cuts, except for the pain in my heart!

I lost him forever and now I live, waiting for the last part of my body to get submerged in sorrow. Waiting for the floating to stop, waiting to rejoin my love. Waiting for the heart to stop, waiting for the eyes to close.

S.F.R.

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